well....

Yeah this is a bunch of why me shit that you don't have to read. Probably written with a little more oddly placed punctuation than you're used to.

Well what now? I'm going to see about the possibility of divorce on Monday. Everything went to hell in a hand basket, or had been going to hell in a hand basket for a long time. And then that basket got thrown out so I didn't get dragged to hell. It was a big basket. That was overflowing with our collective miserableness, and general unwell being. It had some really big holes in it that couldn't be re-patched, and I am not sure if a new basket would be the best thing in the world right now. I guess things will be better really. It sucks right now. But i can go do whatever I want, and not go do things that I don't want to. It kinda sucks though, cause there were some places and things that I liked that probably wouldn't be a good idea to go do, at least for a little while. Fortunately we live in a big city where there are multiple places to go do things. Still I'm losing someone that was really important to me. It's fucking awful, but it's the right decision. I have nothing left for her.

I signed up for some dating website. It's really fucking silly, but it takes away the barriers that some people have, and you know, at least sort of, that you'll be eventually going to meet with like minded people, even if they don't look exactly like their profile pictures. Damn profile pictures. Why don't people just put up representative photos. Call me shallow, but attractiveness is kind of important in dating. I know you are supposed to like someone for who they are on the inside and all that, but it helps when they are also attractive. One full body shot from a straight forward angle should be mandatory.

I think the whole thing is more or less a math experiment by some Harvard post-grads that are way smarter than me. Statistic algorithms in general are not to be entirely trusted. Some people have told me it's too soon to think about dating. But what the fuck am i supposed to do? The little devil in me wants to find a really nice gullible girl and utterly destroy her. Good thing that I am completely incapable of doing that. I mean our relationship was over I think a long fucking time ago. We were both just clinging to if for dear life for fear of change and failure, desperately hoping that things would eventually get better once things got normal. And tons of people go out and have flings or date or something almost immediately after their relationship is over. I've been miserable for a really long time and I don't want to sit around by myself thinking about how fucking miserable I am. I think about other shit too. Characteristics in my self that maybe I should make a valiant effort to make more dominant. What I actually want to do now that I don't have to take care of another human. Making better decisions in relationship partners... Learning how not to care if I am going to hurt someone's feelings if I know that something is just not going to work/isn't working for me. If I want something else that is completely dependent on me, I'm getting a fucking dog.

I did find out that drinking...is not my friend right now. I've slipped up once or twice, but generally decline from partaking. I don't even like drinking that much. It's just something to do. I guess I know now why I never drank in college. It's just going to make me feel worse. It doesn't make me forget my problems, or be more social, or anything like that. If I make a bad decision, I still know that I am making a bad decision. I may not care at the time. But I'll feel like a total fuck the next day.

I am living alone again. I hate living by myself. The place is clean though. And will stay that way. Maybe, I'll go look for a dog.

The bridge has been fucking nuked

For fuck's sake. Seriously? I wanted to be wrong. I really did. But I wasn't and I am not. And look at you being proud of yourself again for getting laid. I don't care where you go. Or what you do just so long as I know that I don't have to see you.