well....

Yeah this is a bunch of why me shit that you don't have to read. Probably written with a little more oddly placed punctuation than you're used to.

Well what now? I'm going to see about the possibility of divorce on Monday. Everything went to hell in a hand basket, or had been going to hell in a hand basket for a long time. And then that basket got thrown out so I didn't get dragged to hell. It was a big basket. That was overflowing with our collective miserableness, and general unwell being. It had some really big holes in it that couldn't be re-patched, and I am not sure if a new basket would be the best thing in the world right now. I guess things will be better really. It sucks right now. But i can go do whatever I want, and not go do things that I don't want to. It kinda sucks though, cause there were some places and things that I liked that probably wouldn't be a good idea to go do, at least for a little while. Fortunately we live in a big city where there are multiple places to go do things. Still I'm losing someone that was really important to me. It's fucking awful, but it's the right decision. I have nothing left for her.

I signed up for some dating website. It's really fucking silly, but it takes away the barriers that some people have, and you know, at least sort of, that you'll be eventually going to meet with like minded people, even if they don't look exactly like their profile pictures. Damn profile pictures. Why don't people just put up representative photos. Call me shallow, but attractiveness is kind of important in dating. I know you are supposed to like someone for who they are on the inside and all that, but it helps when they are also attractive. One full body shot from a straight forward angle should be mandatory.

I think the whole thing is more or less a math experiment by some Harvard post-grads that are way smarter than me. Statistic algorithms in general are not to be entirely trusted. Some people have told me it's too soon to think about dating. But what the fuck am i supposed to do? The little devil in me wants to find a really nice gullible girl and utterly destroy her. Good thing that I am completely incapable of doing that. I mean our relationship was over I think a long fucking time ago. We were both just clinging to if for dear life for fear of change and failure, desperately hoping that things would eventually get better once things got normal. And tons of people go out and have flings or date or something almost immediately after their relationship is over. I've been miserable for a really long time and I don't want to sit around by myself thinking about how fucking miserable I am. I think about other shit too. Characteristics in my self that maybe I should make a valiant effort to make more dominant. What I actually want to do now that I don't have to take care of another human. Making better decisions in relationship partners... Learning how not to care if I am going to hurt someone's feelings if I know that something is just not going to work/isn't working for me. If I want something else that is completely dependent on me, I'm getting a fucking dog.

I did find out that drinking...is not my friend right now. I've slipped up once or twice, but generally decline from partaking. I don't even like drinking that much. It's just something to do. I guess I know now why I never drank in college. It's just going to make me feel worse. It doesn't make me forget my problems, or be more social, or anything like that. If I make a bad decision, I still know that I am making a bad decision. I may not care at the time. But I'll feel like a total fuck the next day.

I am living alone again. I hate living by myself. The place is clean though. And will stay that way. Maybe, I'll go look for a dog.

The bridge has been fucking nuked

For fuck's sake. Seriously? I wanted to be wrong. I really did. But I wasn't and I am not. And look at you being proud of yourself again for getting laid. I don't care where you go. Or what you do just so long as I know that I don't have to see you.

Get with it.

Get Fucked. Get it together, get your fucking shit together. Stop Crying all the god damn time, stop throwing up. Why did I come back? Fuck you and this.

aggravated

Is it in your nature to be such an aggravating bitch?

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

So, I am weak and pathetic, and a martyr and all sorts of other foolish shit huh? Apparently cheating on someone isn't such a big deal eh? and Yeah it's totally my fault that I had to leave you stranded in melbourne. I am not the dumbfuck who moved to a new city to do a job without signing a contract. So fuck off. You can cheat on me, but when I say that I want to fuck someone else, then you tell me that that isn't fair or some shit. "You can go on dates if you want to just don't smooch anyone." Cunt. You fucking wreckless cunt. You are shitty and horrible and awful and a fucking slut. You don't get me or understand me. I can barely have a converstion with you. We have nothing in common, and you just need me so that you can know that someone loves you. I want to go home. I don't want to continue to fuck my life up for you. You are working on making me hate you, and writing mean shit about me in your book but not talking to me about it kinda defeats the purpose. You want me to leave don't you. Yes I made you move in here, I am making you buy a car, I am making you do everything, I make you do everything. Fuck off. Die. Kill yourself. Do it you fucking coward. I hope that no one fucking cares. God you infuriate me. I know it's all about how crazy you are. But you never address any problems. I tried to. I did. I wrote you tons of fucking stupid emails trying to address the problems that just irritated you didn't they. I wonder if you even read them I wonder lots of stuff. I wonder why I am staying. I want to go home. This sucks. Not being able to work. Not having any friends. Not being able to afford to do stuff. what the fuck is wrong with you. How did I build you up to be this amazing girl that is going to fucking be perfect for me. I don't trust you and I think that deep down inside somewhere I fucking hate you. fuck off. Die, you stupid fucking whore.

She's fucking me.

Over and over again. You can trust me. I can't believe I have done this, But I am not sorry. No wait, I am sorry that your feelings are hurt, but I don't regret it. I'll just tell you I love you and you can trust me, but I'll dodge all the questions that I will answer untruthfully. That way I don't have to lie to you. SEEEEE it all works out great. I can still have my affair with my canadian friends, and you can think I am being faithful. I don't realize that you are smarter than you are, or maybe I am just careless, and want to be caught. I am a fucking liar. Don't believe me. Get out while you can. It would do you good. You fucking sap, you shell of a man. fucking stand up for yourself. It's not going to be ok. I'm Dizzy Lizzy and I do whatever the fuck I want to. I'm sorry that you fell in love with me, someone should have warned you about that....Oh wait, I did, and you didn't listen to me. I just can't wait till you go absolutely insane. I take pride in that.

Wonder why the only friends I have are people who want to fuck me....Oh yeah, cause I give it up. Heh. Have fun being monogamous.

Why do these things happen

Why is it so hard to give fully and openly and trust. It's so hard to let others in. were afraid of being hurt, so we hurt them instead. Sometimes maybe it is just absentmindedness...who knows. This world is full of crazy shit.